Love Life

I started romanticising about love way later in life. While my girlfriends had started having crushes and boyfriends, I was deep down into books. I was always a nerd. If I had to choose between a new book or a boy, I would always choose the book.  Honestly, it was a defence mechanism as I considered myself ugly growing up so hiding behind books would be my perfect excuse to disappear. 

I was dark, skinny and had soda bottle glasses. In India, everything is acceptable but a dark skinned girl is a burden on the family. I grew up in a joint family and all my sisters and cousins were pretty and fair. I was treated badly basis my skin colour and was always given the second preference and had to wear hand me downs. One cannot imagine how much this can affect a little girl who only wants to be loved. I remember crying myself to sleep begging God to make me fairer.

And then puberty hit! Voila! I turned into a swan. People started noticing me, especially boys. I once overheard a guy telling another guy, “Dude, look at her figure, she is fucking hot”. I know he was objectifying me but to be honest for a 16 years old girl who had never heard a single compliment for her physical appearance, it was a huge deal! A girl who barely stepped out and was always low on self esteem, I actually started dressing up and the confidence and power that dressing up and some make up gave me was unparalleled. 

When you’re younger, you think you’ll meet one person, marry him/her and live happily ever after. Even I thought the same when I met my first boyfriend. We were so in love. He is a Muslim and I’m a Hindu. In India, inter religion relationships or inter religion marriages are frowned upon. The relationship was a lot of fun but ran its course after 4 years. He wanted to get married and I was only 21 years old and was not okay with getting married so early in life. Then we had a huge fight and eventually I broke up with him. At the time, I really thought he was the love of my life. But I thought the same with every boyfriend of mine and I had 4 of them. Haha.

I feel the second relationship was a rebound. I started dating a friend of mine from junior college within 2 months of the breakup with my first boyfriend. They say that the best relationship is the one where you both were friends first. Let me tell you that this is bullshit. It was the most disgusting relationship ever. He was always so insecure of me and would fight saying that one day I’m going to cheat on him and guess what? He ended up cheating on me with another friend from his MBA college and I found out on Valentine’s Day! Lol the WORST way to find out, especially after 4 years of relationship. 

I broke up with him the very next day.

I was single for 4 years after this and then I met my third boyfriend. This was my first time dealing with a narcissist. It was traumatic and painful. The first 4 months were bliss with all the love bombing. But soon the mask fell off and I saw him for who he really was. He had the face of an angel. So many of my friends met him and were like this guy? This guy is abusive? He was so fake. He is a girl’s nightmare come true. He was mentally, emotionally and physically abusive. I broke up with him after dating him for 11 months which he didn’t take well and would harass me for months even after the break up.

It took me 3 years to get over this relationship and the abuse only to meet my 4th boyfriend who was worse than the third. Now I realised that this is a pattern. Except for my first boyfriend which honestly was puppy love, all the other three are narcissists. My fourth boyfriend would slap me in a club if a guy hit on me. He has banged my head on a wall. He has broken 2 of my phones. He has pushed me and pulled me and pulled my hair. He has tortured me day in and day out. I cannot imagine how such men sleep at night. 

Even after all this, I am hopeful that I will find someone who will give me all the love I gave to these wrong men. I will not lose hope. I will break this pattern of attracting narcissists. I took therapy for men who needed therapy. But it has really helped me. It made me realise that I was looking for men who mirrored my father. As of now, I’m in the healing phase. I’m trying to fall in love with myself before loving someone else. I’m 34 years old and unmarried! It’s okay! I love my life!